I am not a reptillian
Menlo Park, CA - In a recent press conference at Meta Headquarters, CEO Mark Zuckerberg vehemently denied ongoing internet rumors claiming he is a reptilian, only to spend the subsequent two hours basking under a heat lamp installed at the podium. "The idea that I'm part of
Elon Musk
Austin, TX — Elon Musk, the billionaire entrepreneur known for his bold ventures into space and electric cars, made a controversial remark directed at former Tesla employees who were upset over their recent layoffs. In a post made on X (formerly known as Twitter) Musk told the former staff members to
Dismantle the Patriarchy
In an effort to break the glass ceiling even further, several feminist non-profit organizations have been bringing awareness to how women are rarely recruited into terrorist organizations and when they are they usually work in a less demanding capacity, as caregivers, or are simply given to men as wives. A
Boeing Whistleblower
WASHINGTON, DC — In what's being described as a shocking overreaction, Boeing executives reportedly eliminated every employee after a wing detached from one of their planes mid-flight over Montgomery Village, MD on Wednesday. The incident, which miraculously resulted in no casualties aboard the flight, led to a drastic decision
Job Searching
ANN ARBOR, MI - A recent study conducted by the University of Michigan, which analyzed over four million job postings, found that a majority of all entry-level job postings require applicants to have at least 80 years of professional experience, be proficient in 12 languages, and be able to perform
Mornings are awful
For those who hate mornings, each day starts with its own set of trials and tribulations. But you’re not alone in the struggle against the sunrise. Here are 10 things only people who hate mornings will understand. The Snooze Button is Your Best Friend and Worst Enemy Every morning,
We Have a Situation
COLLIERVILLE, TX - Collierville, known primarily for its annual corn festival and competitive knitting circles, has now skyrocketed into infamy with its first recorded murder since, presumably, the dawn of time. The murder, described as "at least second-degree" and "definitely not an accident," occurred sometime between
Boring Conversations
Adam Johns was attending a business dinner recently when the man next to him began to drone on about annuities and asset allocation. Ten minutes in, Johns had enough. But he didn't know how to escape the situation. Here are ten ways to get out of a boring
Trump's Legal Woes
WASHINGTON, DC - In response to former President Trump's lawyer's "hypothetical" argument that the President is legally allowed to kill political opponents, Supreme Court justices agreed that the president is legally allowed to kill political rivals, as long as there is no more than
Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, DC - While citing an oddly literal interpretation of the second amendment, Trump’s lawyer argued before the Supreme Court that the president can legally order bears to maul his political rivals. “The second amendment discusses bears and how citizens can legally use bears and bear arms,” explained Jack
Employment
SEATTLE, WA - In need of work-life balance, local resident Stephen Ericson decided to stop going to work without notifying his employer. The incident, which began one month ago, has led to Ericson continuing to receive paychecks from his employer. "The only time I even login to my work
Israel
SILICON VALLEY, CA - Google announced this morning that it will begin terminating any employee who expresses an opinion—positive, negative, or otherwise—on the Israel-Palestine conflict, especially opinions that may jeopardize Google's deal to provide cloud infrastructure to Israel. The company states this policy is a key
Conspiracy Theorist
In an exclusive interview from his underground bunker, local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed Elon Musk superfan, Terry Adams, shared his theory about how Bill Gates is allegedly planning to implant microchips in people worldwide. Terry, who only communicates through encrypted messages and believes Wi-Fi signals can read thoughts, began the
Lists
“I hope they fixed it this time.” Say this while glancing nervously at the elevator buttons and watch your fellow riders immediately text their loved ones. “Do you smell smoke?” Absolutely guaranteed to quicken pulses. This is a great way to discover who skipped leg day when they sprint out
Neighbor
In a neighborhood that was previously known for its picket fences and well-tended lawns, residents are now grappling with a rather unusual situation. Local man Harold Thompson has allegedly stumbled upon a hidden portal in his backyard that leads directly into his neighbor's garage, and he insists that
Bureacracy
Washington, D.C. — A government employee has thrown the United States government into a full-blown crisis by performing his duties with exceptional effectiveness and efficiency. The saga began early Monday morning when John, a mid-level bureaucrat at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), accidentally completed all of his assigned tasks